Bob Huizenga shows us that there are seven types of affairs:|
#1: My marriage made me do it.
why they had, or are having an affair and you may hear something like this: I
have a lousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There is no intimacy, no sex, and
no excitement. The love is gone. Weve grown apart. I cant stand the
marriage. There was nothing happening in the marriage and the affair just happened.
2: I Cant Say No
People cant say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level,
say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that
firmly say no and mean it.
Some have many unconscious
tugs and pulls that lead to an affair. They are
stuck and seem
to lack the ability to consistently act on the no. Please
that all of us are grabbed by something and find it difficult to let
Ones history, personal development and internal blocks play a role
I Dont Want to Say NO
Some people just dont want to say no, and they believe they dont have
no. The older term of philanderer applies. Their relationships
are marked by a
series of sexual conquests, and thats what they basically
are nothing more
than the thrill of the score.
I Fell Out of Love (and just love being in love)
I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s
and younger. Usually one reports, falling out of love and is
truly disturbed by
this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!)
wants to recapture
This person has found
a significant other who has stirred those dormant
this person once again feels in love. They are determined not to
settle for a less than ideal relationship, which means, of course,
feeling the love
I Want to Get Back at Him/Her
This is the revenge affair. It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted
some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in an affair. It is less a movement
toward the other person and more a movement away from ones spouse.
I Need to Prove My Desirability
Lets face it: Most of us are on pretty shaky grounds when it comes to our
sexuality. Look at the models before us on TV, the big screens and magazines.
Geezzz-Louise, how is anyone ever to feel as if they measure up or are
Also, a key in a marriage is the degree to which someone feels
wanted. I want to
be wanted. After familiarity sets into a marriage,
self-doubts are easily
rekindled. (A key component of being in love
is the giddy feeling of thinking I am
deeply wanted or adored. If one does
not understand the stages of marital
growth or lacks a core sense of self
from which to live, he/she becomes prey to
confusion and disenchantment.)
I Want to Be Close to Someone (which means I cant stand intimacy)
A marriage or relationship of investment is a dance a dance of joining
distancing. A couple moves close with the purpose of joining and being
after a fashion moves apart to claim their own space and uniqueness.
Usually we choose or are attracted to someone with the same comfort zone in the
distance/joining continuum or with a similar capacity for joining and/or
The couple does their dance to balance the pull for joining and
the push for
individual space and expression. Intimacy is the capacity to
talk about and the
freedom to move between joining and individual expression.
Someone has an affair because ostensibly they say they want to be close to
someone. However, a relationship with a third party is NEVER intimate, but may
serve the purpose for that person of never having to be intimate with anyone,
although someone may feel close. Got this?
Included in his
book, How to Break Free from the Affair, Dr. Huizenga tells us
about each affair. He breaks it down into easy to understand language and gives
us strategies that we can then apply to our own circumstances.
reading How to Break Free from the Affair you'll learn:
More about each type of affair.
key characteristics of the person who claims to have such an affair.
you can except from each type of affair (what you partners behavior
to help you decide if you want to continue in your marriage.
the biggest of all, what YOU can do to increase the odds of saving
Knowing what type
of an affair you are facing is very important. How you should
react and the
things that you should say and do, vary depending on the type of
partner is having or has had. If the affair is still going on what you are
going to learn could stop it dead in it's tracks.
ever let anyone tell you that all affairs are the same. They are no more the
same then any of our partners are the same. There may be some characteristics
that are the same but each person who engages in an affair is motivated by
something different. If you want your marriage to work then you need to figure
what motivated your partner to have the affair in the first place.
very important point to remember is that one partners change can turn a whole
marriage around. I was stuck in a rut and did nothing but blame my partner
every problem in our marriage. Hadn't they all been brought about by
In my mind yes, they had. However, when I stopped looking at
him for all the
problems and started paying attention to myself and what
was lacking in me, I
started noticing some real improvements in my marriage.
My husband was more
drawn to me. By being drawn to me he was drawn away from
the other woman.
Try it yourself and see if you don't notice a difference.
more about the types of affairs - Dr. Huizenga's book- Click