 1)
One of the most troubling symptoms is anxiety--not knowing what to do. Get your
evidence. I can still recall the anger and denial of finding a so-called "
love note". I couldn't contain the rage within myself for very long. I know
it is really difficult to stop the rage and anger inside that you feel but take
this time to collect your evidence by making notes, making copies of the evidence,
etc. Shock is a normal reaction to discovery. The discovered person often feels
as confused and scared as the discoverer. Consider and reflect.
2)
Don't be too shocked and embarrassed to confront your husband. Confront your Partner.
You know you have to - so as soon as you have your evidence do it! Let him or
her know you disapprove and want it to stop. Don't wait and let it slide. If you
wait this gives the other person more opportunity to take your spouse/partner
from you. Timing is critical.
.
Tell your spouse what you know and how
you exactly feel. Give them the harsh facts. Tell him or her you want them to
have no communication with the other person while you both sort this out. He/she
owes you this much. Expose the affair. Do
not confront your spouse if they might get violent. If they physically
attack you go to the police station and file a report. 3)
No Fighting. Accusations put one on the defensive. Stay on neutral terms with
your spouse/partner and communicate nicely. Stop arguing, bickering, fighting,
shouting or the petty punishing techniques immediately. These techniques didn't
work during your marriage and they won't work now. Stop the blaming (either yourself
or them). These are the bad emotions that have come between you during your relationship.
Quit it. Be pleasant, courteous and nice but not to the point of smothering. Sad
and crying to your spouse isn't going to get your mate home either. If you want
your spouse to end his/her affair and come home then you need to make their environment
pleasant like someone they’d like to be with. Now is the time to be rational.
They
have to break off all communications and contact (seeing) the other person while
you as a couple are working this out. If it doesn't work out then they can move
on with their lives but they have to stop right now. They entered into the marriage
or agreement with you didn't they. They have to agree to work this out now.
Adultery is wrong and unacceptable and we will show zero tolerance for it. I might
add It is vital to learn to respect and honor our selves as well as keep our love
connection. Do
not give your spouse time out to "find themselves" or to "wait
and see" as it gives the other person time to take over/destroy your marriage.
So you have to walk a very fine line there. Two climates are being created --
the person is adding to the distress of their committed relationship, and nurturing
the new relationship. Don't kick your husband out if you want to work on your
marriage. I know
you are experiencing great trauma but do not shut off yourself emotionally from
your spouse. When this emotional distancing goes on too long, it can be dangerous
to a relationship. You run the risk of growing even further apart and your relationship
may eventually dissolve altogether. As long as rage-filled thoughts predominate,
its all but impossible for the couple to communicate as to whether you can work
this out or not.
Keep in mind every situation is different. Much more is on the site here. I also
encourage everyone to talk about their infidelity. Part of the recovery is telling
the story in order to heal. When you tell your story make sure it is with a trustworthy
friend or support group. Join my support group - they are strong, true advocates
with unconditional support. Don't
issue ultimatums. If you want them to go to counselling then suggest "I want
you to go to therapy with me". "I really want you to go to therapy with
me." If they won't go you go for your own sanity.
4)
Take time to reconnect with your spouse. Take the time to laugh, share, do things
you use to do when you dated. Plan time together exclusively. Hire a babysitter.
Don't lose your close connection. I guess this is a little too soon but its never
too soon! Don't build a wall between you and your spouse. People who make healthy
and meaningful connections with other people feel happy and fulfilled. (Research
proves that the single most important factor that determines happiness in life
is Connectedness.) People who lack a real emotional connection with others will
grasp at anything in an attempt to fill that void in their life. That's what leads
people to sex, drugs, alcohol, hours of mindless TV, falling in love over and
over again with new people, or an obsessive commitment to money, success, work,
or a hobby. They are wanting to feel good about themselves. These trappings offer
a MOMENTARY filling but the cause of the emptiness your spouse seeks to fill is
a lack of a meaningful connection,feeling important, special, needed and feeling
good about themselves.
5) If
you can get them to agree to work on your marriage here is a great ebook recommended
by counselors Tip
This Month: Get this Ebook Don't
leave the affair to chance. Don't wait for "time to heal." Don't waste
time with simplistic suggestions or vague generalities. Don't act out of desperation.
Why saying "I Love You" doesn't work - we need results. You need
to see positive actions with absolutely no negative actions over a period of time.
Know in your
Heart that the Affair is NOT your Fault. This is one of the best ebooks that you
can download now: For
more facts - .... Dr.Bob's
How to deal with Infidelity in order to get your spouse to break from the affair.
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