AskMaple-are you married and cheating? caught in a triangle? Are you cheating with a married man
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Q. Maple:

I'm a married man and have had an affair about four years ago, my wife and I worked through it and stayed married. But I still find myself flirting with other women and having conversations that I know are not appropriate. I haven't slept with anyone, but know that if I don't control myself I could loose my wife and I don't want that. I'm so nervous, and uptight because lately a female friend of mine were e-mailing back and forth were found out by her husband. The emails were of explicit talk, but that's was all. We have never done anything. I am afraid of my wife finding out. What can I do? I might have a casual encounter and I want to avoid a scandal.. Can you please offer me any advice? MG

Obviously you want to be caught

A. MG: People who engage in risky behavior almost always want to get caught. Did you feel there was a problem in your relationship or is the problem yourself? Couples have to both work very hard at building a new relationship. This is by continued communication and problem-solving skills. Many times couples do not know how to identify, articulate, and assert their primary needs.

There are so many reasons for cheating. Infidelity isn't always about your wife. Many times individuals have unresolved family trauma from their past. Some times its about admiration or ego or self-esteem or unmet needs, or boredom. Other times it is about greed and vanity. One of the main reasons is that the other person makes you feel good about yourself. The wife doesn't see us as unblemished as the stranger does.
I don't think she made it clear enough about the repercussions of a second affair. Was the first affair a short affair? Why do you feel you did it? Deceit never works and only draws the couple further apart. What you fear you create. Whats the gain?
Many times one has to get beyond the primary reasons for affairs and examine the marriage. Stop playing games. Either you are 100% in a relationship or you are not. Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success. Put all your emotional energy into your current relationship. Affairs are a betrayal of the self. If your affair is exposed, think of all the destruction not only to your family but to the other person's family. At this point I would suggest a marriage counselor.

Q. Dear Maple:

My husband has a laptop computer he takes with him to work for his own private use. He doesn't use the computer on the job. He has cheated in the past and I am worried about it reoccurring. Is there any software program I can install on his computer without him suspecting? Denise

A. Yes get the Spector Eblaster - Remote Computer and Monitoring Software which can be installed by sending an email which they open if you do not have access to their computer. If you have access to the computer then you can just download this software from the web site. This program will also send you a copy to your email address if you wish. This is the very best software I have ever seen for internet infidelity. Even if they may not be involved in internet infidelity, they still may send cards or emails to their affair partner.You can only use this program on a computer you or your husband own otherwise it is illegal. If the laptop belongs to his employer then no you can not install this monitoring software.

A. Michael, it sounds like she just hasn't gotten the message yet. Are you sending her mixed messages? It doesn't seem to me you are. It is more like she is in shock and denial and that you will come back. She could also feel really bad and in disbelief-- be in limbo that how can this happen to me. Three years sure seems like a long time though. I think she would know you are involved with some one through your children. Perhaps in the new year, sit down alone and have a chat with her. Does she have good friends she can depend on? If she needs to work help her with her resume. If she doesn't feel confident with her appearance - get her started at the gymn.Tell her you have no plans to go back to her and she needs to move on. She also needs to work on getting her financial situation back in place. Many times when people loose their jobs or loved ones, everything seems so destroyed for them and they completely let all their responsibilities go. When you choose the behavior you choose the consequence. I don't know if you are helping her financially also -- that could be a part of her being so irresponsible. You seem very kind and I wonder if she isn't using that trying to pull your strings? Does she seem depressed -- you mentioned you have to console her. Address the situation with her alone -- not in front of your children. When they don't seem to let go it must cause you a lot of guilt also. I think if you got a divorce then she would realize she has to move on. I know it is hard and overwhelming to move on but if she can just take that first step. There is life after marriage. Perhaps she needs to go for professional counseling to get herself together. I think it would work wonders. I'm glad you have a deep compassion for her as she does need support from family and friends.

Best wishes - AskMaple