Confronting Unfaithful Cheater

After you have collected all of your evidence and facts you can begin the process of what we will term "confronting the unfaithful cheater". Confronting, pleading and arguing won’t work.

If you do not have proof; do not "Confront".
Go back to my page on Catch Cheating Spouse
and get all of the evidence as to why you are certain they are cheating.

Do not even read further. Do not get caught.

Try to stay, calm and collect. We know you are seething underneath your volatile exterior. If you are stressed-out get some exercise firstly. "Confront" them in a positive caring way.

They Cheated -- Now What?

Not "Just Friends" : Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal click here to read the book

10 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER

excerpts from Nancy Glass's book:
After infidelity has entered a marriage, questions about specific details are frequently an entryway into a deeper story. For example, questions about what gifts or cards were exchanged are really probing for how invested the unfaithful partner was in the affair--emotionally and financially. One unfaithful wife and her affair partner made cassette tapes for each other with special love songs. Although it was extremely painful for the betrayed husband to listen to the romantic words of the songs, it helped him realize why it was so hard for his wife to let go of the affair. He was also shaken by what he had neglected. Ultimately, he was inspired to bring more romance back into their marriage.

The following 10 questions will guide your exploration of the circumstances of the infidelity and the meaning behind it. Some of them are questions I use in my clinical practice to bring a slightly different perspective on the underlying motivations. Discussing them will give you the raw material from which to co-construct your story.

1. What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?
2. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?
3. How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?
4. Did you think about me at all?
5. What did you share about us?
6. Did you talk about love or about a future together?
7. What did you see in the affair partner?
8. What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?
9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?
10. Did you have unprotected sex?

“I wonder what I eventually will do with this.” “I wonder if you will always be looking?” “

Get the idea? Leave a question in your voice. Open the door for her to talk and explore. This is your first step. If, over time, her actions persist, begin to think about what you are willing to tolerate and what actions you may need to take. But, first, problemize and see where that goes.

Why Do We Need to have Our Questions Answered?

The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Dealing with Affairs, Third Edition

Excerpts from this book:
"When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn't they be told what they want to know. They feel they're being treated like a child, and they resent it."

"If the information didn't exist, it wouldn't be so frustrating and demeaning. But they know their partner has it, and simply refuses to give it to them. This makes a balance of power in the relationship impossible... It's doubtful if trust can ever be restored in a relationship where this persists.

"I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, "enough is enough, let's get on with our lives." Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind."

(end of excerpt from "The Monogamy Myth")

Adult Time Out
by Tina B. Tessina

If someone behaves badly in your presence, giving that adult a “time out” is a powerful and subtle way of fixing the problem. All you need to do is become very distant and polite around the person who is not treating you well. No personal talk and interaction, no joking, no emotion. Be very polite, so the person cannot accuse you of being unpleasant, mean or rude. There is no need to explain what you are doing: the problem person will get the message from your behavior -which is much more effective. Most people will change, but even if the person's behavior doesn't change, you can leave him or her in "time out" and you won’t have to be anxious about his or her behavior.

It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction