The Cheating Spouse or Cheating Partner
Everyone Needs to Know About the Cheating Spouse...and what you can do to help
by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's
habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced
productivity. Maybe you will sense something 'out of character' but be unable
to pinpoint what it is.
is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue
to hide. The 'victim' of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is
racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging
might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on
the status of your relationship with the person.
is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different
some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the
marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion
in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming 'trophy chasers.'
This 'boys will be boys' mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some
become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement
and are enthralled with the idea of 'being in love' and having that 'loving feeling.'
extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did
not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive
for both, they look and feel very different.
form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging
question of being 'OK' may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair.
And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance
and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.
prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs
are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As
well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of
the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience
emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and
weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity
follow. It typically takes 2 4 years to 'work through' the implications.
A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend
'marriage' counseling, at least initially.
devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is
shattered of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step
is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another
is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional
and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
can you help?
in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say
what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that
I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.
Every so often I want to hear something like, 'This too shall pass.' Remind me
that this is not forever.
I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding
acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.
I want to hear sometimes, 'What are you learning? What are you doing to take care
of yourself?' I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see
the larger picture.
I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort
through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter
and stumble my way through this.
I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take.
But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.
When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think
I might find helpful.
I want to hear every so often, 'How's it going?' And, I may want this to be more
than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how
it IS going.
I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would
like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about
how I feel and what I may want.
I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen
and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor
affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues
and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity to redesign one's life
and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.
Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the
past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Visit his website click
Spouse Online - Internet Infidelity
the proliferation of cyber-relationships, couples are re-drawing the lines of
cheating. I think you're playing with fire when you start an online relationship.
never know how or who the person you're chatting with is interpreting your comments.|
to a growing number of therapists and family counselors, X-rated Web sites and
online forums, or "sex-cussion groups," are also playing an increasing
role in the breakup of marriages.
"I decided to specialize in the treatment of addictions," says Robin
Rayford, a Troy psychotherapist. "I expected most of my patients would be
chemical and alcohol abusers. But I've been stunned to find that sexual addiction
is becoming a major problem. And in virtually every case of sexual addiction,
I'm finding the Internet is involved."
Cheating Spouse emails, get the passwords with Sniperspy Monitoring Software records
both sides of the conversations Click
Down-Low Same-Sex Infidelity
Down Low defined by Ruth Houston Infidelity Expert writer of: Is
He Cheating on You?: 829 Telltale Signs,
Down low is the term
used to describe the behavior of Black men who secretly have sex with other men
while in marriages or relationships with other women. The men who do this do not
consider themselves to be gay. The term down low originated in the
Black community, and is used almost exclusively to describe Black men. But men
of all races engage in this behavior.
down low is not a black thing or a gay thing its
an infidelity thing. The down low is basically another form of infidelity. The
difference, however, is that rather than cheating with a woman, a man on the down
low is cheating with another man. I prefer to call it same sex infidelity.
J.L. King is (author of On the Down Low - On
the Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of "Straight" Black Men Who Sleep with
an Uncommon Situation says Ruth Houston who knows the signs. The situation is
common enough to warrant its own support groups such as the Straight Spouse Network,
Gay Married Mens Association, and Wives of Bi/Gay Men, just to name a few.
the health consequences of the rising number of HIV cases within the African-American
community, especially among straight Black women, has made Terrys fear of
HIV/AIDS exposure a valid cause for concern. A man on the down low who engages
in unprotected sex poses a health threat to his unsuspecting female partner by
putting her at risk for HIV/AIDS.
women are oblivious to the fact that their man is on the down low. This typical
of women with cheating husbands even when the man is cheating with another
woman. Most infidelity goes undetected.
of the signs of a man on the down low will be very subtle, since the whole idea
is not to call attention to himself and his behavior. Be alert for suspicious
non-verbal communication between your husband / boyfriend and other men -. a look,
a touch, or hug that lasts a little too long or has undertones of intimacy. If
you get an uneasy feeling about certain of his male friends, trust your intuition.
Your subconscious mind is probably picking up some of the more subtle telltale
the Cheating Spouse Threat
may spy on our lover and the rival; we probably lie awake nights worrying about
the situation and reviewing the evidence, "Did she come on to him?,"
"I wonder if he has talked to her?," "Does he love her?,"
"Wonder if everybody but me knows about it?" Men are consciously more
concerned about their partner finding someone who will offer a more secure, committed
relationship. Men are more concerned (than women) about protecting or re-building
their egos if they are "beaten out" by another man; they worry about
their partner having sex with someone else (but they'd probably blame the partner
if that did happen). Men see a threat and feel jealous first, then worry that
something is wrong with them.
your Own Detective on your Cheating Spouses - Click
Spouse - How to Have Positive Conflict
you fighting too much, saying destructive things and in completely opposite sides
of the issues?Are you feeling despondent, lonely and terrified of the future.
Wendy cried for almost a week, before calming down and beginning to think on what
to do to save my marriage. She went to her priest and then to a counselor, and
both were adamant on helping her to accept the situation, which to them was hopeless.
Find out how Wendy found how to avoid conflict - click
you have a cheating spouse who is always on their cell phone for a long time.
When I enter the room he abruptly gets off. Call Recorder Card - digital recording
without the recorder.
spouse - click
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