My husband and I have been married for 25 years. He was married when I met him
and soon divorced. I really have never been jealous ever and I don't think what
I am feeling now is jealousy. I am angry ! I drove his vehicle today and I was
getting in the console to get an aspirin and saw a package of what I thought was
mayonnaise (single serve) and I thought what the heck is he doing with mayo in
here. I went to get it out to see if it was old and crunchy and it was a condom!
I had a hysterectomy 17 years ago! This peaked my curiosity and I found a viagra
in the toothpick container! Yes he has ED. Do I confront him or just beat the
crap out of him? Bev.
I really feel for you Bev
but I have to tell you that being extremely mad or angry never works in any situation.
I know that's how you feel but you will have to vent out your feelings firstly
before you talk to your husband. You can vent out your feelings by talking about
them to a support group, a close friend, or by exercising, throwing rocks in the
stream and also by journalizing. Make sure they are a trustworthy friend. We have
support groups here on the internet.
should never get mad or beat the crap out of them if you want to work your marital
problems out. |
is a tactic we call "problemize" to use - this is where you make comments
about the problem(s) you see. Ensure you use words, tone of voice and body language
that convey acceptance, concern and lack a tone of judgment, condemnation or a
sense of superiority. For example "why do you think you want another woman?"
This leaves the door open to talk and explore. The next question is can you work
out these problems as quickly as possible? Time is always of the essence in start
of an "affair". The longer you wait to approach the issue gives the
other person time to steal your man away.
If it is a unique, singular incident followed by earnest remorse, I believe that
the relationship warrants the necessary forgiveness in order to save the marriage.You
know many times the spouse isn't aware of your exact feelings - make them aware
that saying I'm sorry isn't enough. They need to have true empathy - have a read
on communicating with empathy.
Of course, if trust has been severely damaged it may take a long time before "working
late" can again be believed. Both spouses in the marriage must realize that
only time will heal the breach that has been made. Its all about what you do with
the time you have together. Please read Building
Trust. The purpose of truth-telling is to put the issues out on the table
where they can be dealt with. It means coming clean - out with the entire truth
right away no delaysnot just exposing each other, but admitting one's own
current feelings and attitudes. The sooner one comes clean the better as then
you can start to heal. If they don't tell it all you are left pondering, wondering
all the time which only stretches out your healing time. Let me know how it goes.
Couples find that if they can get through the rough spots, they might not only
survive an affair but eventually arrive at a new level of communication and understanding.
Also if you can
get them to go to counseling both you and your spouse will feel better. If he
doesn't want to go, you go - you will feel much better about yourself.
Melt Your Mans Heart
My spouse is involved
in an extramarital affair since mid September 2004. I don't want a divorce and
I'm not sure he does, but he seems not to be able to face what he did and will
not talk to me at all. I am trying to move on with my life (with our 2 children,
ages 7 and 10) but I can't stop wondering because I never had a chance to try
to rebuild the marriage - he just walked away. How can my husband not understand
how I feel - I have tried talking to him but he says nothing - Is he still in
denial? The holidays are really hard. We did always live separate lives but it
worked for us and I thought the problem was the kids I did not know it was me
I thought he chose to do all his own things because he couldn't handle the kids
- we did have the so called child centered marriage. Is there any hope for us.
We go to trial on April 12th and the divorce will be final - he would not settle
out of court even though he does not have any grounds for divorce - we live in
New York state. How do I get him to open up - he is holding everything inside
and he does not even talk to the other woman - he works with her - is she just
as needy as him? Why can't she leave him alone for him to make his own decision
- his family or her? He says - she's just a friend. Laura
Laura; why did you wait for 2 years? As soon as
you discover your spouse is involved in an affair put a stop to the involvement.
The longer the affair goes on the harder it is to break them off. Granting them
time to see gives the other person more emotional involvement with your spouse.
Indeed your husband is stonewalling communication and problem-solving in your
marriage. Many times the ineffective patterns of communication that your family
are experiencing no doubt have their roots in his respective childhood. Walking
away doesn't resolve anything. Who in his family taught him that "silent
treatment" is an answer to conflict, or that changing the subject will distract
from negotiating marital problems?
We learn most of what we know by imprinting on the patterns with which we were
overriding danger was that without a change in your ability to connect and communicate
with one another, the two of you were vulnerable to using the affair as a continued
object of distancing. Once you loose your close connectedness, you risk it all.
Both partners then start to distance and build a wall between each other. Your
husband needs to consider developing the needed skills to have discussions which
lead to empathy and eventually successful negotiation. Tell him you feel angry,
frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me,
as if I am supposed to read your mind. Also I want you to tell him communicate
with you and help you to understand what has gone wrong.
affairs have been referred to as "exit" affairsthe method one
spouse uses to force the other into divorce. Let him know that you are learning
too. It takes both of you to make a marriage work. It takes only one to file for
divorce. Chances are he will carry his communication skills into the next relationship.
The effects of
affairs can be devastating and there are no fast and easy fixes to repair the
damage. However, if both partners are motivated, then patience, honesty and the
skills of a professional can help the couple explore whether it is possible to
reconstruct and salvage the once existed relationship. If
you try and you still are not able to make the marriage succeed, at least you
will understand more about yourself and your marriage. Take care of you.
wishes , AskMaple
Please help, I have
been married for 16 years. I found out that he had an affair with a younger woman,
but that's not the worst, he has two kids by her. Don't ask me why but I chose
to stay for OUR family, at least that's what I told myself. I keep seeing signs
that he is still seeing her and I don't know if it is for the kids or her. I feel
like such a loser yet I continue to stay, what is wrong with me? How did I get
so weak? Starla, age 40
It's a difficult and traumatic situation to be in: you're married to a spouse
who is cheating. You are trapped. You may feel trapped by economics or other circumstances
but you do have choices as to how you deal with your current situation. Many times
we follow our parents examples in staying in a marriage that isn't working out.
Does this seem familiar to you? The point now is you are still young. Get yourself
together and make a life for yourself. Stand up for yourself and what you deserve.
Being afraid is no excuse for staying in an unhappy, hopeless marriage with a
man you don't trust or respect. Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of
your children won't be doing them any great favors. They'll learn that it's okay
to be untrue to yourself and others. They'll also be deprived of the real you
- the happy, nurturing person you could be if you weren't so busy being miserable.
Have you asked him what he intends to do? Better yet, what do you intend to do
with your life?
This situation seems to have gone from bad to worse, and you
can't fix the marriage or make it healthy for you by yourself. Your husband has
to want to work on your relationship, and unfortunately it sounds as if all he
is interested in is acting out destructively -- and hurting you. Let him know
you are going for help and suggest that he do so as well. If both are not willing
to make the changes and commitment necessary, it is essential to seek individual
counseling and to not attempt this part of the journey alone. Sorting it all out
yourself in a state of emotional vulnerability often results in unnecessary mistakes
that only complicate an already painful journey.
Don't waste precious time
if the marriage can't advance. Face the truth and build a life of your own. Sure
you can still love and be with your children, but ask yourself: What kind of a
marriage is this really? Now you understand your choices. You can continue in
your existing role or you can do what it takes to change your life for the better.